Happy Birthday to me, sports suck.

Apparently as a birthday present for me, the Tour De France has gotten even lamer than usual. I really like cycling. Always have. It appeals to the masochist in me. Riding a bike up a huge ass mountain takes a great deal of skill and willpower. To then ride that same bike down that same mountain (these are the Alps, by the way. They are not small.) going over 45 mph next to 110 other freaks takes a whole lot of courage. The people that win the Tour are gods. Seriously, how do you bike 2300 miles in 20 days? Plus, it almost always finishes near my birthday. When Lace was kicking ass it was great to watch.

Unlike Lance we have some idiot whose own team kicks him off the race. How heavily do you have to dope for your own team to give up on you when you are in first place?!? However, I have to give the team a lot of credit. This is a gesture on the same level as if the San Diego Padres decided to drop Barry Bonds right now. So kudos to those guys for having balls. Sadly, Mr. Bonds will ruin any further interest I might have had left for baseball. Sorry guys, no one really cares anymore. Except I Am Kung-Fu. Sorry my man, you’re alone on this one.

Plus, Michael Vick, I know you are innocent until proven guilty, but fuck right off. Dog fighting is disgusting and horrifying. Try not to act like you’re in a DMX video and maybe try to represent your sport with dignity and class. You’ll probably go to jail because you couldn’t tell some of your entourage to stop killing pit bulls. What an ass.

Also, apparently David Beckham now plays “football” in America. Does anyone care? He’s all over sports illustrated and ESPN like herpes. Plus his wife gets some reality show. Look guys, this move failed in the 80s with a much cooler athlete than you. (Gretzky, your move to LA killed you inside and you know it) What makes you think it will work now? Is it because Janet Jones is such a huge star now? Don’t know who she is either? I thought so.